For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
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In banana years, I am bread.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
