For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I want to meet the individual who made this
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely