For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The glory of fall.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Finally! 😈
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”