Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.