For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
You Might Also Like
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….