911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
You Might Also Like
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.