For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
🤣
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.