For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
It’s an epidemic…
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Roombas should bark
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”