For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
You Might Also Like
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Please do it!
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that