For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Only Americans understand
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.