For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
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My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
boys are so easy to impress
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.