For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
me when i see my girls butt
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Bobby pin
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.