For cardio I live beyond my means.
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I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES