For cardio I live beyond my means.
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Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
inventing words: clothing
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings