for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
(more comics:
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
lol
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
