for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
