for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
