for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
A choir of Spring onions
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
