For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire