Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

The A string on my guit_r is flat

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.