For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
You Might Also Like
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
fair
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever