Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub