Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

gm

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

inappropriate Care Bears be like: