Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

the worm is coming from inside the brain

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.