Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already