Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

bears

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone