for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My wife gives the best headache.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
why I oughta
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?