Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.