For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]