For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
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*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
NASA has no chill
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You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story