For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Weighing up my bread heating options
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child