Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails