My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.