Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you