Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

🤣dope

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.