For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
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I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮