Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

😭😭

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.