Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.