For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?