For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
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I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage