For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
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as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
This sounds bad:
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.