For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself