Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

You can’t rush stupid.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

Oh thanks BBC.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please