Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.