Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?