@SteveSackington

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

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@Marlebean

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

@PaperWash

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

@OakHill_

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

@Tmoney68

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

@pharmasean

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

@MomOfTeen

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

@FilthyRichmond

Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don’t know what they want or how the world works.

@BryMastas

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?