For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time