Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
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I used to be married, but I’m better now
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don’t know what they want or how the world works.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?