For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
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*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
LOL
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.