Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

You sure about that?

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

ㅤ

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

the composer

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.