Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Google assistant rules

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Every haunted house movie:

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish