For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.