Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

ㅤ

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

*bites zombie*

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”