For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
You Might Also Like
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
cyclists
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.