Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault