For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life