For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards