For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
If only
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
He instantly became one of the bros
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.