For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this