Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison