For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
You Might Also Like
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.