For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.