Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

Take care of yourself, ladies

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.