Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station