For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
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Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
mood
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
A roof is a house hat.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.