For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
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I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.