For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
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Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Bit chilly again tonight.