Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.