Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels