Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

this is what they would have looked like, though

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.