For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The United Steaks of America
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
work smarter, not harder
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories