For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
no their not
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS