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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass