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the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I have a black belt in leather
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.