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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog