For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
oh no, steve’s working tonight
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.